Islam allows men and women to engage in sexual relations if they are legally married. In Islam, marriage is considered an act of worship, even regarded as a completion of one’s faith and one of the highly recommended Sunnahs of the Prophet. Islamic teachings state that engaging in sexual relations within a lawful marriage is an act of worship.
Indonesian society still considers sex a taboo topic, with very little information available from family institutions or educational systems regarding sex education. This results in a lack of awareness about bodily autonomy. It often reinforcing gender inequality by not providing equal information to all genders about sexual and reproductive rights, as well as roles and responsibilities in sexual relationships.
As a woman, I often hear from older people or religious lectures by Ustadz and Ustadzah that a wife’s duty is to serve her husband. Including in sexual relations, making it the wife’s obligation to fulfill her husband’s sexual needs. It is not uncommon for me to hear many preachers quoting a hadith about the calamity or punishment a wife will receive if she refuses her husband’s request for sexual relations.
Irma Riyani’s dissertation, “The Silent Desire: Islam, Women’s Sexuality and The Politics of Patriarchy in Indonesia,” found that many of the women she interviewed stated that sex in marriage is a wife’s duty. Consequently, they try to provide this service whenever their husbands express a need.
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According to Riyani’s dissertation, the information concerning the notion that sex is the wife’s duty is acquired from various sources. Some said they learned it from religious teachings they read in certain kitab (Islamic classical texts) in pesantren (Islamic boarding schools) or heard it from pengajian (religious study groups). Others said they acquired knowledge from reading sex manuals, while some said they learned it from friends and observed cultural behaviors around them.
The division of gender and sex roles within marriage. It is reinforced by state and religious doctrines, grants one gender authority over the other. Designated as the head of the household, men perceive themselves as responsible for their wives and the household. This dynamic extends to sexual relations, where women are expected to be passive and submissive to satisfy men’s sexual desires.
Consequently, husbands often feel entitled to sexual fulfillment, believing that marriage grants them unrestricted access to their wives’ bodies. This belief empowers men to dictate the timing and nature of sexual activity, often prioritizing the husband’s desires over the wife’s.
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In her dissertation Riyani interviewed 50-55 women in Bandung, West Java. This can be seen from the wife’s expressions as follow:
‘’Whenever my husbands wants to have sex i have do it regardless of my unwillingness to do so. Its because it is my duty, whether i enjoy it or not.’’ (Rani, aged 43)
‘’If my husband wants to have sex, he will do it right away. No matter how sleepy and unwilling I am. He even slaps me on the face to make me wake up and fulfill his desire.’’ (Ita, aged 56).
Some women’s reluctance to refuse their husband’s sexual demands is associated with cultural and religious proscriptions of taboo and sin. It’s also simply for fear of provoking the husband’s anger and infidelity.
‘’I was told not to refuse my husband’s sexual need, it is taboo.’’ (Eha, aged 29)
“I always fulfill my husband’s request to have sex. It’s because, I am afraid that he will get angry if i refuse him.’’ (Edah, aged 43).
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In Muslim society, there is a strong belief that a wife has the duty to fulfill her husband’s sexual needs. This belief is often derived from religious studies or readings of scriptures taught in Islamic boarding schools (pesantren). However, it is important to remember that there are also other hadiths which state that in sexual relations. It is not only the wife who must fulfill her husband’s sexual desires. But the husband also has the obligation to fulfill his wife’s sexual desires.
Sex in a marriage should be equitable. If a husband has the right to obtain satisfaction from his wife. Then the wife should also have the same right to obtain sexual satisfaction from her husband. The obligation to serve should not be imposed solely on the wife. A healthy marriage is one where both partners can fulfill and respect each other.
Therefore, it is important to reconsider teachings that may provide an unbalanced interpretation of sexual obligations in marriage. Balance and mutual respect in sexual relations are key to creating a harmonious and satisfying marriage for both parties.
Sex as Right
In marriage, women’s sexual desires often go unexpressed. Norms and culture have shaped women to feel ashamed or reluctant to express their sexual desires. As a result, women are more familiar with the concept of sex as duty, whereas every woman also has the right to take the initiative in inviting her husband to engage in sexual relations.
Sex as a right is not solely for husbands; wives also have the same rights over their sexual desires. It is important for society to recognize that these sexual rights should be balanced. Every woman should feel free to express and explore her sexual desires without fear of being judged or looked down upon.
Unfortunately, women who bravely express their sexual desires or dominate in sexual relations are often considered immoral. This view is unfair and harmful to women, as it hinders them from having a healthy and satisfying sexual life within marriage.
The most important element in negotiating women’s sexual desire, pleasure and enjoyment is communication. Building good communication with the spouse is important in knowing and understanding the preferences of each party when they engage in sex and what makes each of them feel comfortable during sex.
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I know, in practice it is not that easy for women to discuss what they want or what they do not want with their husbands in relation to sexual preferences. As I mentioned earlier, the discussion of sex and sexuality is still taboo, women are wrapped up by their feelings of shyness and modesty and their subordinate position in the asymmetrical material relationship prevents them from doing so fear, restraint and shame are feelings that prevent women from talking about sexual matters, even with their husbands. But women should know the sex in marriage is also their right.
Sex is part of married life that both spouses should enjoy mutually. Although there are several texts in Islam that encourage the couple to experience a pleasurable and mutual sexual relationship, rarely did women refer to these texts. Unfortunately this suggests that the notion of sex as a mutual right in Islam is not that popular compared to the idea that sex in marriage is a wife’s duty.
The concept of “sex as duty” must be balanced with “sex as right.” It is time to eliminate these biases because sex is not just about male satisfaction but also about female satisfaction.
(Editor: Nurul Nur Azizah)
